Mormons’ Weekly Family Ritual Is an Antidote to Fast-Paced Living
David C. Dollahite and Loren Marks,
The Atlantic, Mar 29, 2018
Family
home evening—regular time set aside for praying and playing—has taken on new
relevance a century after it was conceived.
home evening—regular time set aside for praying and playing—has taken on new
relevance a century after it was conceived.
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Carlo
Prearo / EyeEm / Getty |
Every
Monday evening, Mormons around the world pause, as families. Together they
pray, sing, play games, eat snacks. This is all standard fare for many American
households, but the difference is that for Mormons, it’s built into every
Monday night (or sometimes another night) and it has an official, deceptively
generic-sounding name: family home evening.
Monday evening, Mormons around the world pause, as families. Together they
pray, sing, play games, eat snacks. This is all standard fare for many American
households, but the difference is that for Mormons, it’s built into every
Monday night (or sometimes another night) and it has an official, deceptively
generic-sounding name: family home evening.
The
weekly gathering is far more than a family game night. Vern Bengtson, a
sociologist who ran a major study of at-home religious practices that spanned
nearly four decades, called
family home evening one of “the most successful [religious] programs fostering
intergenerational connections and the nurturing of families.” This, at least,
is the ideal. Among some seasoned practitioners, family home evening has been
called “the family fight that begins and ends with prayer.” The Mormon humorist
Robert Kirby has referred to it as “family home screaming.”
weekly gathering is far more than a family game night. Vern Bengtson, a
sociologist who ran a major study of at-home religious practices that spanned
nearly four decades, called
family home evening one of “the most successful [religious] programs fostering
intergenerational connections and the nurturing of families.” This, at least,
is the ideal. Among some seasoned practitioners, family home evening has been
called “the family fight that begins and ends with prayer.” The Mormon humorist
Robert Kirby has referred to it as “family home screaming.”
But back
to the ideal. In 1915, the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints recommended that church members arrange monthly (and later, weekly)
“home evenings” to strengthen family ties—a goal that many present-day Mormons
consider to have been prescient, given the dramatic changes to family life that
have come in the intervening century. The leaders outlined a window of time
“devoted to prayer, singing hymns, songs, instrumental music, scripture
reading, family topics, and specific instruction on the principles of the
gospel and on the ethical problems of life, as well as the duties and
obligations of children to parents, the home, the Church, society, and the
nation.” As their vision suggests, family home evening wasn’t ever intended to
be strictly religious. There is hymn singing and scripture reading, but there
is also game playing and ethics discussing.
to the ideal. In 1915, the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints recommended that church members arrange monthly (and later, weekly)
“home evenings” to strengthen family ties—a goal that many present-day Mormons
consider to have been prescient, given the dramatic changes to family life that
have come in the intervening century. The leaders outlined a window of time
“devoted to prayer, singing hymns, songs, instrumental music, scripture
reading, family topics, and specific instruction on the principles of the
gospel and on the ethical problems of life, as well as the duties and
obligations of children to parents, the home, the Church, society, and the
nation.” As their vision suggests, family home evening wasn’t ever intended to
be strictly religious. There is hymn singing and scripture reading, but there
is also game playing and ethics discussing.
More than
100 years after family home evening was conceived, it has taken on new
relevance in a modern, fast-paced culture. (Other religions’ rituals play a
similar role in setting aside dedicated, special family time—the Jewish
sabbath, in particular, stands out as a strong example.) As scholars of family
life studying religious rituals, we have interviewed dozens of Mormon families
about their daily practices, and they routinely brought up the
difficulties of maintaining familial closeness as technology and media have
hastened the pace of life.
100 years after family home evening was conceived, it has taken on new
relevance in a modern, fast-paced culture. (Other religions’ rituals play a
similar role in setting aside dedicated, special family time—the Jewish
sabbath, in particular, stands out as a strong example.) As scholars of family
life studying religious rituals, we have interviewed dozens of Mormon families
about their daily practices, and they routinely brought up the
difficulties of maintaining familial closeness as technology and media have
hastened the pace of life.
Just as
routinely, they talked about how useful family home evening is in pushing back
on this speeding-up of the everyday. One parent we interviewed said that one of
his kids finds the ritual boring, and while he says his child is not always
wrong, he notes “every once in a while it just clicks. … It’s a real feeling of
oneness as a family.” One young teen we talked to felt similarly. She said
family home evening “brings you away from all of the stuff of the world” and
“gives you a chance to realize that they’re your family.” (As is standard in
scholarly research, our interviewees were promised confidentiality.)
routinely, they talked about how useful family home evening is in pushing back
on this speeding-up of the everyday. One parent we interviewed said that one of
his kids finds the ritual boring, and while he says his child is not always
wrong, he notes “every once in a while it just clicks. … It’s a real feeling of
oneness as a family.” One young teen we talked to felt similarly. She said
family home evening “brings you away from all of the stuff of the world” and
“gives you a chance to realize that they’re your family.” (As is standard in
scholarly research, our interviewees were promised confidentiality.)
Not all
children are immediately onboard. Another parent described her children’s
apathy toward family home evening when they were young. But she went on to say
that as adults, they recall the time fondly. “You don’t realize the impact a
lot of things have when you are doing them,” she told us. Indeed, as another
mother told us, “Whether or not it’s always a complete success … I think it’s
important just that they know that it’s going to happen every week.”
children are immediately onboard. Another parent described her children’s
apathy toward family home evening when they were young. But she went on to say
that as adults, they recall the time fondly. “You don’t realize the impact a
lot of things have when you are doing them,” she told us. Indeed, as another
mother told us, “Whether or not it’s always a complete success … I think it’s
important just that they know that it’s going to happen every week.”
One of
family home evening’s best qualities is its ability to get each generation of a
family involved, as one of us, David, can attest. His late father lived with
his family for 17 years and participated in more than 800 family evenings.
David’s father said that what he most enjoyed were the “performances” of his
seven grandchildren, in which they played musical instruments, recited poems,
told jokes, demonstrated martial-arts moves, or made dessert to cap off the
night. It was a meaningful intergenerational exchange that was much rarer at
other times in the week.
family home evening’s best qualities is its ability to get each generation of a
family involved, as one of us, David, can attest. His late father lived with
his family for 17 years and participated in more than 800 family evenings.
David’s father said that what he most enjoyed were the “performances” of his
seven grandchildren, in which they played musical instruments, recited poems,
told jokes, demonstrated martial-arts moves, or made dessert to cap off the
night. It was a meaningful intergenerational exchange that was much rarer at
other times in the week.
It was
also one that wasn’t necessarily premised on religion. (In fact, David’s father
was Baptist, then Episcopalian, and then—by the time he lived with David—an
atheist.) The central features of the family home evening are transferrable to
families of other faiths or no faith at all. Most of its typical components
(conversations, games, activities, treats) are not essentially religious. And
even the parts that are (prayer, religious music, reading sacred texts) can be
adapted for nonreligious families, perhaps with a moment of silence, a meditation,
or the reading of a poem.
also one that wasn’t necessarily premised on religion. (In fact, David’s father
was Baptist, then Episcopalian, and then—by the time he lived with David—an
atheist.) The central features of the family home evening are transferrable to
families of other faiths or no faith at all. Most of its typical components
(conversations, games, activities, treats) are not essentially religious. And
even the parts that are (prayer, religious music, reading sacred texts) can be
adapted for nonreligious families, perhaps with a moment of silence, a meditation,
or the reading of a poem.
Of
course, even the most committed and family-focused Latter-day Saints struggle
to make time each week for such a family devotional. Challenges to consistent
practice of family home evening include busy schedules, the apathy of
teenagers, and the siren call of social media and other entertainment. On the
other hand, the stability the practice brings can be just what’s needed to
counteract those impediments; one mother we interviewed emphasized that it is
when life is “craziest” that people need the organizing, calming predictability
of family ritual most.
course, even the most committed and family-focused Latter-day Saints struggle
to make time each week for such a family devotional. Challenges to consistent
practice of family home evening include busy schedules, the apathy of
teenagers, and the siren call of social media and other entertainment. On the
other hand, the stability the practice brings can be just what’s needed to
counteract those impediments; one mother we interviewed emphasized that it is
when life is “craziest” that people need the organizing, calming predictability
of family ritual most.
Ultimately,
what seems to matter most about family home evening is not the specific
rituals, but that there are rituals at all—that a family decides to set aside a
specific time of the week to gather and have a meaningful experience together.
Is there perfection in such a family ritual? Never. Is there some effort,
hassle, friction, and chaos? Almost always. But is there sometimes a spark of
transcendent magic? In truth, it’s rare. But the next family home evening might
just be one of those nights.
what seems to matter most about family home evening is not the specific
rituals, but that there are rituals at all—that a family decides to set aside a
specific time of the week to gather and have a meaningful experience together.
Is there perfection in such a family ritual? Never. Is there some effort,
hassle, friction, and chaos? Almost always. But is there sometimes a spark of
transcendent magic? In truth, it’s rare. But the next family home evening might
just be one of those nights.
